How She Really Feels
by Irresponsibly Lucky
Summary: Hate is too strong a feeling for someone you don't care about.
1. You Two Faced Son of a Bitch

**THE FOLLOWING IS A NON-PROFIT FAN-BASED**

**FICTION**

**Victorious is owned by Nickeloden, Dan Schnider, and some guy who probably never got credited. **

**Please support the official release.**

I wake up in the morning from an extremely vivid dream and once again I am aroused beyond belief. God damn it. I see it's barely light outside. I pack my shit for school and grab some fresh clothes, all very quickly before heading to my car and taking a short drive to Beck's RV. I grab my stuff and swing his door open. He shoots up out of shock and I throw my things to the corner.

"Jade..." he mumbles as he rubs his eyes.

"Clothes off, now." I demand as I'm already in the process of stripping off my clothes and throwing around the already messy RV blindly.

"It's five in the morning." he said, still doing what he was told.

"Bitch, bitch, bitch. I don't care and I know neither do you." I saw that he was ready to go as I got on the bed. This obviously wasn't going to be romantic so I let him just go at me from behind so I could close my eyes and daydream...

After our fuck session, when I was satisfied, I grabbed my school clothes and took a shower. I took my time and drove myself to school when I was ready. Beck had a car, he could drive himself. On the way I stopped and got myself a cup of coffee, because habits and caffeine.

I got to school right on time, didn't have to meander around like a dolt for a bit. Kinda like that. I head straight for my first class, writing. It's a good one. It's Friday, so all we have to do is write a story. Yep, simple. I do the usual and write whatever is on my mind. It's really a do nothing assignment to wind down after the week, so everyone generally does well as long as they try.

Next on the line up is a history class, which I decided to ignore today. It was a rehash for the test next week. Unnecessary crap. After that was Sikowitz. I walked in and before I could sit down I noticed some responsible looking adult at Sikowitz's chair.

"Who the hell are you?" I asked accusingly, pointing my finger for emphasis.

"My name is Mr. Florence. Mr. Sikowitz is absent today. I'm his substitute." the man said.

"Ha ha, no." I turned around and decided on an early lunch. I walked toward my locker, but before I got there I saw something infuriating. Beck was making out with some skank. I get behind her and pull her by her blonde hair. "Yoink!" she plummets to the floor behind me. "So what are ya doing here?"

"Oh...just an acting exercise?" he came up with.

"Acting exercise?" I questioned.

"Acting exercise." he confirmed quickly.

"Cheating on me?" I cocked my head to one side.

"Cheating on you?" Beck looked nervous now.

"Are you?" I ask ending the charade. He had to know he was cornered.

"Yes." By now there was a crowd around us. The skank probably attracted them by running away.

"You two faced son of a bitch!" I slapped him hard enough to hit his head into the locker next to him.

"Uh... Did, did Jade slap the tan out of him?" I heard Robbie ask.

"Oh totally. Beck is down for the count." Rex said.

"He does look paler." Cat pointed out.

"You know we're through, but I want you to know I've been using you for sex. Nothing more. Now out of my way!" I walked past him with a shoulder bump and to my lunch.

I sat alone with my lunch. I didn't want to be disturbed, but what I want doesn't matter, now does it? Tori comes over and sits right next to me. I glare at her, but she won't go.

"It's obvious I want to be alone." I told her.

"Duh, but I figured you should have some company." she said.

"And you thought it should be you?" I spat.

"Jade, I know it sucks. Getting cheated on hurts. Maybe if you talked to someone. I know you only said you used him to save face."

"I just want to be alone."

She sighed. "Fine, but I'm free this weekend if you need someone." she left. That girl... Always so nice and friendly.

I didn't want to be alone because I was sad or depressed. I wanted peace and quiet to think. I was planning what to do next. Beck was a veil, a cover, a prop. Now that he's out of the picture I had some choices.

After lunch ended the rest of the school day was a blur. Before I knew it I found myself driving back home for the weekend. I went and grabbed a drink before going up to my bedroom. There, I threw my bag aside and fell onto my bed. I thought more about today and what to do next. The options available were obvious, stay single, or find a new relationship. I tried not to think about it, but the third option eventually came to the front of my mind. Tori Vega.

**So here's my other story. Not sure when it'll be updated, but not too too long. Until then, read, review, and see ya.**


	2. Deep Breath

**THE FOLLOWING IS A NON-PROFIT FAN-BASED**

**FICTION**

**Victorious is owned by Nickeloden, Dan Schnider, and some guy who probably never got credited. **

**Please support the official release.**

God dammit. Tori Vega. Little miss perfect. God I hate her, but not really. Well I do, but there's more. I mean the only reason I have for hating her is she turned me gay. That's it, but I don't care about that anymore. The moment I saw her it was, I dunno, love at first sight? No, not love. Lust at first sight? I tried to play it cool, but when she kissed Beck I got pissed. Not because she kissed my boyfriend, no, it was because I wasn't the one kissing her.

After the first week or so I wrote it off as hormones and curiosity, but after a while I noticed things about her. Things like the way she laughs, holds a fork, even her clumsiness was cute. Soon I started having vivid steamy sex dreams about Tori and not long after that Beck simply became a means to an end. Sure, he's nice to look at, but fantasizing about Tori got me off so much quicker than he ever could.

I grab my phone and think. I kind of want to just call Tori and tell her, but it's a mistake. I know it. Also I still have my pride. Regardless, someone, someone needs to be called. I find myself dialing the one true friend I have.

"Hey, Jade. What's up?" Cat asked.

"Nothing. Come over. I wanna talk." I tell her.

"Is it about Beck?" Cat asked.

"No. Fuck Beck! I want to talk about important things." I say.

"Uh... give me a little bit to get ready." she says.

"Yeah, sure. See ya in a bit." I hang up and toss the phone across the room casually. I lay back on my bed and stare at the ceiling, thinking about how exactly to 'come out' to Cat. It shouldn't be hard. I mean she couldn't hate a bug, so it's not like I'm going to get shunned by her...that is, most likely. I sigh. If I can't tell Cat, how am I going to tell my mother, or Tori? The minutes must have flown by because I hear a knock on my door. "Come in." I say.

Cat comes in and sits on the bed. As per usual, she doesn't say a word and waits for me to say what I want before speaking during our private talks. I try to build up the courage to say what I want, but I feel fear. Regardless, I cannot back out now. Cat knows I have something to say and she would sit there all day and night if necessary. I take a deep breath, not knowing whether if it was the futility of saying nothing or actual courage, I sit up in my bed and Cat looked into my eyes.

"Cat. I'm in love with Tori." I confess as if I had committed a grievous sin.

Cat's eyes went wide with realization. Then I saw tears welling up in her big brown eyes. I swear my heart skipped several beats in that moment. Then, without warning I was blindsided by a tight hug tackle into my bed.

"Jade! I'm so happy for you!" she said, pulling out from the hug and drying her tears.

"Why were you crying if you were happy? You scared the shit out of me, Cat!" I yelled.

"I'm sorry. It's just, I've known for so long, but I wanted you to come and tell me first, and I so happy you finally did!" she told me.

"Wait, you knew?" I asked.

"Well duh. Beck, André, Robbie, and Tori are blind for not seeing it." she said matter of factly.

"So you saw through the whole hate act." I said.

"You didn't have to do that to keep your feelings secret." Cat said.

"I know, but I felt... different at the time. I hadn't felt they way about a girl before, and I sort of wanted to lash out for her ruining my relationship with Beck. When I was in my right mind, it was too late. I was cast as the 'heartless bitch' in her eyes." I'm looking down at my crossed legs.

"Jade." she uses her finger to pull my head up. "So you screwed up. If you want her, then go for it. You might have to work a bit harder than usual, but if you succeed it'll be worth it in the end." she says.

"And if I fail? Then what? We're too different." I point out.

"You're right. Jade, you're like fire and ice and rage. She's like the warmth of the sun and the breeze in your hair." she tells me.

"Exactly my point. We're incompatible. I just wish I could get her out of my mind." I say.

"You're wrong." I look at her. Cat usually doesn't challenge me like that unless it's serious. "The fact that you two are so different is the reason you belong together."

"You really think we belong together?"

"I dunno. I think you'd be the hottest couple at school, and honestly, I think she'd be good for you. Make you be nicer, more trusting." she said.

"Well Beck kinda set that one back a bit." I glanced away.

"Yeah, but it's not like you loved him anymore." she pointed out. "And you were using him for sex."

"Why defend him?" I raise my voice.

"I'm not. I'm just stating facts. Let's get back to the main subject." she said.

"Okay. How do you propose I try and get a date with Tori?" I asked.

"Confess to her, be open, honest, and sincere. It should go well." Cat assured.

"And what if she's straighter than a ruler?" I ask.

Cat shakes her head slowly. "No way."

"How do yo-"

"She asked me out a few months back." Cat interrupted me

"What, really? And you said no? How do you say no to that?" I asked, confused.

"Honestly, I'd sleep with her, but you know I prefer guys. Anyways, I wouldn't do that to you. Besides, I'm waiting for someone to man up and ask me out." Cat explained.

"André still hasn't taken the hint, sorry, hints?" I asked.

"Either he's the most clueless guy on the planet, gay, or married. I know he's not the last one."

"And he's not gay, that's for sure." I say, recalling the many girlfriends we've met.

"Well he's clueless then." she stated.

"Just throw yourself at him. Hell, drag him to the bathroom at school and start stripping. I think he'll get the idea then." I suggested.

"Jade, I'm not doing that! I'm not a whore. I want a real relationship with him."

"Well first, whores get paid. Second, you ask him then. If you're scared he'll say no, then wear a low cut top. The power of boners is stronger than people realize." I say.

"Fine. I'll do that when you tell Tori and ask her out." Cat was challenging me, doubting my resolve.

"I'll do it. Tomorrow." I said.

"Prove it." she said. I walked over to where I threw my phone and began texting Tori.

**Jade: hey can we talk**

** Tori: sure when?**

** Jade: tomorrow 1ish**

** Tori: k**

I walked back to the bed and showed Cat the messages. "Good. I'm kinda surprised she accepted that fast."

"It's only because she thinks I want to talk about Beck." I admit.

"Jade..." Cat uses her stern voice.

"I didn't lie. I just asked to talk. I'm gonna say it's not about Beck when I get there." I tell her.

Cat sighs. "I just don't want you getting into the habit of lying like you did with Beck." she says.

"I won't." I look at the clock. "It's kinda late. I'm gonna grab dinner and call it an early night." I say, filled with excitement and dread for tomorrow.

"Night then, and good luck." she tells me.

"Night." I walk Cat out and grab something frozen and quick. I make it upstairs before my mother notices me. I forget about changing and just fall asleep.

_1 pm outside the Vega Residence_

I park my car and wait. I'm nervous, and rightly so. After a couple of deep breaths I get out of the car and slowly approach the house. As I get closer my heart beats faster. I think I'm going to have a heart attack. I get to the door and ring the door bell. A few seconds pass and the door opens. There she is, gorgeous Tori Vega. More so while wearing her glasses. Damn.

"Hey, Jade." she says, not enthusiastically like she'd greet the others, but she didn't say it with venom or spite.

"So, can we talk?" I ask her.

**Well there's the second chapter. Hope you guys enjoyed it. As per usual reviews are nice but not mandated by law. See ya.**


	3. Shot Through the Heart

**THE FOLLOWING IS A NON-PROFIT FAN-BASED**

**FICTION**

**Victorious is owned by Nickeloden, Dan Schnider, and some guy who probably never got credited. **

**Please support the official release.**

"Come in, sit." she closed the door behind me and ushered me onto the couch. She sat in the chair. "So is everything okay?" she asked.

"Kind of, not really." I take a few slow breaths and prepare to dive in. "Firstly, this isn't about Beck. I don't care about him." I paused, gauging her reaction.

"Okay, then what is this about? You aren't the kind of person to come over here without something in mind." she says

I look down at my feet, trying to work up the courage for this. I look at Tori and see my stalling is making her impatient. My hands dig my nails into my arm and I try to say something.

"I need to tell you something. It's... um..." I stammer a bit.

"Just tell me. It won't kill you." she says.

"Tori, I..." I wanted to just up and leave, but I've gone to far to turn back. "I love you. I love the way you walk, the way you talk, the-" Before I could continue an earth shattering slap hit my face, and I swear it echoed. The pretty brunette was standing in front of me. I saw rage behind the frames of her glasses.

"You've got to fucking kidding me! I extend a helping hand, the last one mind you, and you use it to what? A new way to humiliate me? Make me look dumb?" she started pacing angerly.

"Look, I'm not lying, I'm not playing a trick, I'm-" I'm cut off once again.

"You must think I'm completely stupid." she said.

"No, I don't think that. I'm the dumb one if anything."

"Shut up! You've hated me since day one. Every chance I got, I tried to reach out, tried to be your friend. Every time you pushed me away! Whenever we made any progress, you went back to being your horrible bitch self!" Tori wasn't even looking at me. "Whatever game you're trying to pull, I'm not falling for it. I'm done trying. I don't want to see you, I don't want to hear you, and I don't even want to be near you. Leave me alone from now on. You know your way out." she said coldly.

I was holding back all my tears. I wanted to explain, but I couldn't let her see me cry. I was ready to break down right there, but I walked to the door. I composed myself so my voice wouldn't give me away. "I'm sorry, I really am." I walked out the door and when I made it to my car, my eyes exploded with tears. I sat there, bawling my eyes out until they were dry. If I could help it, I wouldn't have, but something inside me felt... broken.

Eventually, I found my way to Cat's house. Ignoring common courtesy I walked in and went upstairs to her room. As I barged in she looked confused. I wanted to be angry with her, to blame it all on her. It didn't have to be her, but someone to blame was on my list of wants. Unfortunately, I couldn't muster up even an ounce of anger or rage. What I did find were more tears as I collapsed on her bed and continued where I left off in the car.

My face was buried in the bedspread, but for a moment I imagined the look on Cat's face. One filled with concern and caring, not that I deserve such things. I heard her try to speak, but she stopped before she said a single word. For once she was at a loss for words, at least for the moment. She tried to calm me by rubbing my back and stroking my hair. It may have been muffled, but I know she could hear my sobbing. Cat began shushing me, as if I were five and had a skinned knee.

After twenty minutes or so, Cat managed to get me to sit up. I caught a glimpse of myself in her mirror. I looked like shit. My hair was a mess, my makeup was all over the place, and my eyes were so red I resembled a stoner at first glance.

"So Jade, what happened?" she began with the stupid question, trying to break the now silent room. I sit and wait a few minutes until I feel composed enough to talk.

"She hates me." I say.

"What?" she seems confused. "What happened?"

"I happened!" I lost all composure. "She said I'm a horrible bitch and she's right! I'm no good, not for anyone! I actively put effort into upsetting her, all to preserve a relationship with some guy who ended up fucking skanks behind my back! I'd be better off dead!" as the words left my mouth I felt a strong smack on my face. I looked directly at Cat.

"No! You aren't allowed to think like that. You're my best friend and you don't get to think like that. You are not horrible. Sure you messed up, but no one ever said that this would be easy." Cat said.

"She hates me! I wasn't rejected because of my looks or something stupid. Tori outright hates me. You don't fix something like that." I state dejectedly.

"Yeah you do. It's hard, but the best things in life are hard and require effort." Cat explained.

"Even if I tried, I don't know where or how to start." I told her.

"Do romantic stuff. Get her flowers, cards, candy, whatever. Be sincere and kind. Throw away that whole being mean thing. Just act from the heart." she suggested.

"Yeah...um...I'll consider it." I get up from the bed. "I'll... I'll talk to you tomorrow." I say meekly as I head out the door, and out of the house.

I arrive back home before long and notice my mother is home. She's sweet, but she can be a little too caring. I walk inside and avoid her on my way to my room. Not really in the mood for a mother daughter heart to heart. I repeat my actions at Cat's house and collapse onto my bed, not bothering with changing. Getting your heart broken really takes it out of you. Also not caring about the time, I fall asleep.

I wake up the next day and promptly go right back to sleep, not giving two fucks. I repeat the cycle of walking up and going back to bed. In between my sleep sessions my mind wanders and begins thinking of how to enact Cat's plan to make Tori not hate me. By the time I go to sleep for the night I have a start for this venture. Of course, that all starts tomorrow.

**Firstly, I'd like to apologize for my horrid lateness. Someone hit me with a MASSIVE writer's block. At least i got this up in time for Christmas. For those who care about my other story, it's gonna be a bit. Sorry. Well blah blah read, review, all that nonsense. See ya.**


End file.
